The White Lotus is back for a third new season with its now-signature interchangeable tropes for a vacation-turned-nightmare: unbearable rich people, a dead body or two, and in case you haven’t noticed, dicks — both in the anatomical and figurative sense (as in despicable men).
The series has these frontals and hotheads in abundance, and as is the case every season, you don’t have to look any further than the first episode to find them, from Season 1’s cancer scare to Season 2’s unsolicited and possible extramarital flashing to the latest one’s suggestively incestuous in-room jerk-off — and I’m just talking about penises at this point, not even the toxic men who threaten to wreak havoc whenever they can.
They say travel brings out the worst in us. What they forgot to say was that “us” was mostly men; Farting and problematic patriarchal figures, cheating husbands, conceited gym bros, spoiled and volatile brats in grown men’s bodies. They have become shorthand for The White Lotus as much as the deaths that figure in White’s examination of the human condition in paradise.
We’re listing down the literal and figurative dicks that appear on every season premiere. As to not spoil your viewing pleasure, we’re starting from the very beginning and working our way down the shaft, er, the first episode in Season 3, which is now streaming on Max.
Season 1 Cancer Scare Daddy Dick
For an anxious member, this is actually a decent one — if you can look past its stiff balls (definitely prosthetic), that is. Then again, Steve Zahn is holding its entire shaft making only the tip and the head visible. It could use a little grooming, too. But because he is not entirely sure since it’s only a reaction to a virus, and not cancer as he dreaded it was, whether it’s contagious or not, we might want to stay away from this dick. 2/5
Season 1 Spoiled Brat Honeymooner Dick
Pineapple or Palm, Jake Lacy’s Shane Patton, is one guy you wouldn’t want to be on vacation with — no matter how loaded his parents are. From belittling his new wife’s(!) job and “worldliness” to treating hotel staff like shit over some petty grievance, this guy could’ve benefitted from a Xanax from the woke girls. His wife needs to divorce his ass. 1/5
Season 2 Husband Suit-Borrowing Cheating(?) Dick
Now this is a dick with a dick. If I were Aubrey Plaza, I too, would also be dickmatized and forget for a second that I’m married to a total hottie (who runs and has a great ass himself). And you got to give it to Theo James’ character; he knows his angles. The way he moved towards the door so Aubrey could get a better view even with her back against him? This man has taken way too many bomb dick pics, I can tell. Also, uncut! 5/5
Season 2 Scammer Gaslighter Husband Dick
Greg, who — spoiler alert! Returns this Season 3 — is the dickiest dickhead of the dicks, having scammed Tanya McQuiod of her money and led her to her ultimate death at the hands of the gays. (Actually, it’s more complicated than that. Better rewatch the Season 2 finale.) But yeah, Greg’s a top-tier dick whose only redeeming quality is he takes a shower before fucking to rid of “swamp crotch.” 2/5
Season 3 Vacation Bummer Boyfriend Dick
Sorry to tell you, Walton Goggins, but if you’re smoking on the boat on the way to the resort, you’re a dick. If you’re ignoring your British boho chic girlfriend over a conflict you want to resolve on vacation, you’re a dick. Not even the coolest Hawaiian shirt can redeem this guy. But hey! If anything, his storyline seems to be the most intriguing of this bunch. Hope he dies, though, so Aimee Lou Wood can go on living her best life with her newfound model BFF — if she survives Greg. 1/5
Season 3 Ultra Horny Brother Dick
It’s a tough act to follow Theo James but worry not, White has just the right man to outdo Season 2. Enter Patrick Schwarzenegger. He’s pretty high up The White Lotus’ biggest dick of all-time list. By that I mean he’s a douchebag. But hey, he has a great build — if you’re into bulky towering white guys — a pretty smile, and a great mop of hair. He’s a Kennedy in real life, for god’s sake. But he stared too long at his brother while looking for porn to jerk off to in the bathroom, and frankly, that’s not enough exposure to form a conclusive judgment, so we might have to wait for more episodes to see more. 3/5
